Worst Advice to Give to Couples

They say opinions are like elbows, everyone has them, but they only bend one way. When it comes to marriage, you would think we all have four sets of arms with the amount of advice and opinions people offer! Particularly when you are beginning a new stage of your relationship (marriage, having children) or having trouble in a relationship, solicited and unsolicited advice can overwhelm you and your partner.

Truthfully, sometimes these suggestions can do more harm than good. No couple is the same, attempting to generalize them to fit into a witty sentence may end up isolating one of the persons in the relationship. Here are some of the most common misconceptions floating around out there to frustrate you at your next family gathering:

Love is easy if you find the right one! Relationships of any type are hard work. If they were easy, divorce rates within the United States would be significantly lower. Reality television shows would be a lot less entertaining if love was easy all the time. Though this phrase may seem hopeful and even romantic, it can also come off as dismissive and alarming if you are not having an easy time. You are not immediately doomed if you are having a harder than usual time with your partner. Your life separately and together will be faced with challenges and change.
Conflict is alright in relationship; it is healthy and natural. Challenges are sometimes opportunities to grow together and ultimately end up closer. Remember, no one has the ‘perfect’ relationship. Regardless of what you see from the outside, every relationship has hardships and tribulations.

If you argue, you probably have a bad marriage.
Think back to when you first fell for your partner. Their ideas, creativity and uniqueness drew you in, and ultimately helped you fall in love with them. Think of how many new things they have shared with you and expressed interest in that would never have crossed your mind before they came into your life! Conflict should be thought of in this way, it is an opportunity to see things from your partners perspective. Reshaping the way we think about conflict can make it more comfortable, through healthy communication and understanding it can truly be a beautiful learning experience for you both. Can you imagine how boring it would be if you agreed with your partner on everything? Relax and breathe, when conflict does arise, that does not mean that this period will last forever.

Romance and passion make your relationship last.
The ‘spark’ is missing, the ‘fire’ has gone out. Nothing in our lives are a guarantee and this applies to romance and passion. These things can become (and most likely do) overshadowed by the introduction of children, work obligations, household responsibilities, finances and so many other confounding variables. But those confounding variables are what you share with your partner, they are an incredible bond that you share together through your life. As we said before, peaks and valleys happen in relationships. You cannot sacrifice who you are in a relationship, and this includes the less passionate portions of yourself too. A spark can be had between strangers on a bus, the true lasting component of a relationship is built through trust and respect for one another through those valleys.

You should automatically know how to make your partner feel loved.
What an incredible sweeping claim to make, and what an incredible superpower! Mind reading is not the expectation or goal within a relationship and is simply not possible. Guessing these things and assuming your partners feelings can be incredibly harmful to you both! If you continuously tell your partner you did something because you thought it was what they wanted, they may become frustrated that you are misinterpreting their actions, or worse disregarding their requests entirely. Try asking your partner directly what their needs are and about their love language. Do not be surprised if you both do not share love languages; this does not mean you are incompatible. These languages are unique and can be practiced to better serve your partner and yourself.

Your partner should complete you.
Some of the happiest marriages are between two people who remain incredibly independent, but continuously CHOOSE to be with one another. These also make for the healthiest relationships and rarely lead to codependency, which is exactly what this opinion perpetuates. This again may come across as romantic, but this mindset sets you up to be disappointed in yourself and your partner. If you are faced with feeling down, which is entirely normal, you have an unrealistic expectation that if your partner were the ‘right’ one, you would never feel this way. It can also leave you feeling that something is wrong with you for feeling less than ecstatic all the time and may leave you feeling unworthy of their love. This is entirely too much pressure to place solely on one person. We are an extension of multiple support systems, not solely romantic ones.

Friendships, familial ties, colleagues and so many other dynamics make our life exciting and enjoyable and these work in combination with your romantic partnership to complete your whole self. Lastly, do not forget, you have an obligation to maintain a relationship with YOURSELF. Do not neglect this dynamic, this also helps shape you into the best you can be!
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The next time your friend confides about struggles in their relationship, try to remember to steer clear of these suggestions. If you are met on the receiving end of this type of advice, relax and remember there is support available to you through couples counseling and many other resources. Relationships of all kinds are a beautiful part of the human existence, taking care to make sure they are they best they can be is a challenge best tackled together.

*If you are experiencing partner abuse, call 1-800-799-7233 for support. If you are unable to speak safely, you can log onto thehotline.org or TEXT LOVEIS to 22522. You are not alone.